whew.  life in long beach has been challenging, revealing, shitty, good, chaotic, lucrative, expensive...

I don't know where to begin at all.  Since September I've lived in 4 different houses, including my friend's couch presently and the house I'll be moving to in the next week.  After moving to Huntington with my roomates (this is where the learning/shitty/challenging/expensive part of life comes in) I realized that I am not okay with a lot of things.  I'm not okay with parties all the time, I'm not okay with things that I feel are inappropriate, I'm not okay with degrading or racist or sexist jokes, I'm not okay with superficial tv shows corrupting my mind and life.  And if 4 people I live with are, then I am okay with moving.  I learned that while we're called to be a light to the world and witnesses in places of darkness, we are not supposed to do this alone, and when you're in a place of defeat and spiritual death then you should leave.  you should run away and find refuge in God.  I have come to find so much comfort and truth in my church.  It's bigger than I'm used to at 800 people, but my small group is my saving grace.  There's about 15 of us, and only two of us are under the age of 24, the rest are upwards to early 30's.  So I've decided that It doesn't really matter if I feel young and insecure and out of place, because even if I do get a "why the hell are you here?" vibe from 1 or 2 people...people like Mary and Esther and Mike and Ian remind me that I'm a child of God and that we are brothers and sisters figuring out life together.  And I'm trying to learn that while it is good for me to be mentored by those older and wiser than me, I do have things to say that are worth saying and I don't have to be a "leech" that just sucks in all the information and useful lessons I can for myself.  It's possible for me to be Generative!  as a 23 year old...and I'm trying to learn to live generously from a state of poverty (emotionally, financially, physically).  The roomates I lived with in Huntington have become my only (to my knowledge) adult enemies.  I've not dealt with pain, anger, or frustration like this since I was 13.  I've been beaten down, ridiculed, yelled at, accused, disregarded....and I've tried to be Jesus in it all and I feel like I failed.  My initial response was to go into my room, shut the door, and silently endure without a fight.  Then I tried to love through it, and was rejected.  Then I found a new place to live...and in the aftermath we've found ourselves arguing about refrigerators and wireless routers and food and toilet paper and who owes who how much money (pathetic!).  And I've caught them in their lies to gain more money and I've struggled with whether to turn the other cheek, give them twice what they ask for, walk 100 miles when they ask for 10...and decided that my life has been one of many weak responses wehre I just give into greedy people...and i thought that "for me" the thing that I needed to do was stand up and stop being a doormat.  Because Jesus didn't take shit.  He toppled tables in the market and he stood up for the oppressed...and turned the other cheek and was beaten to death.  so what do i do with that??  I wish I had had the foresight to know that when you fight the greedy you can't win, you just become greedy too.  I don't need 100 bucks for a fridge anymore than I need a fridge.  and if they want to say the $140 router's broken everytime I come over and check my email on it then they can have it.  I don't need it, and I can make more than that in a single shift at the restaurant.  it was the principle of me not being a doormat at shelling out more money to a bunch of girls who have already asked me to shell out more money than I've ever wanted to, or felt I should.  And I still don't think being a follower of Christ means that we should be spineless and give in to the demands of others...but I do think that we should make wise decisions.  And I've learned that fighting in a situation like this does nothing to represent the love of Christ.  Instead of focusing on Christ you become focused on winning, proving a point, standing your ground and putting them in their place.  It gets ugly and gross and has nothing to do with love.  And in the end of this particular story, I tried to fight but didn't have the energy to fight to the end...so I'm left with no more money (but no less money) than when I started, no fridge, router or table  (which i didn't need), and some very broken relationships (which sucks royally).  I do have regret and a bunch of boxes packed and taped because I'm still afraid they might sabotoge or steal my things.  so pathetic huh?  At the restaurant every once in a while i get a table that just can't be pleased.  no matter how much I give and run and hurry and wait, there's just going to be something wrong with everything right up until the entire meal becomes free...and when you have people like that, my managers usually just say comp the meal and get em outta here.  you just can't make some people happy.  So with my roomates, i just said, keep it all, leave me a deposit check on the fridge and i'm getting out of there.  I'm not proud, I'm anything but happy...but I'm trying to be humble and honest and learn.  I've learned that I suck at confrontation and assertiveness and I have a tendency to just run away from it...and I think if we'd had some good conversations early on I just might have been able to stay there until December.  But what's done is done, and I'm so happy with where I'm going.  My new roomates aren't Christians...I'm not sure that they claim any specific religion...and I disagree on some major issues with them...but we're willing to respect one another, treat each other like valuable human beings, share in community as we live and cultivate life and relationships and a real life garden.  Willing to engage in one another's lives without needing our lives to be the same.  I'll be closer to church, work and school...i can ride my bike to the coffee shop down the street...run a mile and a half to the beach, ride to bible study and the farmer's market, and enjoy the glorious front yard full of california native plants.  I feel like this is the first step towards a life that I choose rather than a life of conveneince...where I move in with people just because it's easy and what they want to do...where I take or keep a job just because it's the one that was offered or fell into my lap.  Instead I'm realizing that I can make the things that are important to me happen...like this internship at my church.  I cannot wait...i'm already reading one of the books for it.  I'll be working with 2 different non-profits here in Long Beach for 20 hrs a week, working with kids in the youth group, being mentored one on one as well as meeting with the group.  It's all about being an externally focused church and going into the world as representatives of Christ.  This is what I want to do with my life.  I want to help people...I want to live locally...get to know my neighbors and my local farmers :)  have the time to enjoy life and not just work myself to death. my inspirations in all of this have been hanna vantatenhove, kristin wood, jeffrey bassett, gees bend quilts, kristin wightman, musicians like pinback and moby and album leaf, and all those who value life and beauty, even when it's ugly.

I just noticed the quote that's been at the top of this page since i made it...."an individual is not distinct from his place, he is that place"....

That's the update for now...2 semesters of grad school down...maybe only 1 to go...and many lessons learned.  thanks for reading if you did... if it was a little too personal then...well, thanks for reading.

what?

Currently Reading Reaching Out By Henri Nouwen see related

Long Beach Jigga What

from august to april...no it's not another emo band.